Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Ah..makes sense now
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
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