Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
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HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me too 😆
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
*cough*
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
when someone compliments me