Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
You Might Also Like
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
no refunds
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.