Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
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Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Thank you corporation very cool
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Sign of the day..
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.