My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
is this meant to deter me
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war