My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here