“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
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It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.