When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
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A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
me, too, girl. me, too.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Someone just threatened to call me later
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.