it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
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My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
23. the denim jacket
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
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