My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
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In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I have a new favorite meme page
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.