Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
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[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming