I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
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I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
*3.5 thank you very much.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Every. Damn. Time.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”