So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
You Might Also Like
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid