[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”