I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
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The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I’m confused about plants
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot