“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
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“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Just me and my debit card against the world
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink