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An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔