That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
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“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My work here is done
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
the last thing a carrot sees
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International