There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.