I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
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My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My purse is deeper than some people.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.