Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
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I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
#FunnyLife Insects
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.