<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
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Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Best seat on the street 😍
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.