“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
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Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Looking at you, Jesus.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”