YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
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Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Potatoes were such a good idea
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.