pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
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Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
next question.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.