Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
i love modern commerce
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.