Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Investing in beetcoin
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
sir, my pâté if you please
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.