My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
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Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.