Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.