Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
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Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.