I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT