*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Stonehinge
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?