The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
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rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*