[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐