The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
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Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.