Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
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At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!