8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
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Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Taliband
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake