I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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TODAY
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes