applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*