I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
You Might Also Like
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
NASA has no chill
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
When libraries troll their patrons.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”