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I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea