[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Kids won鈥檛 remember they have homework but they鈥檒l remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that鈥檚 already cooked?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to鈥owling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 馃様
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I鈥檓 Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I鈥檓 Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
what are they serving at kfc then???
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”