I pray every night that I never become religious…
You Might Also Like
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Strange
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
My typo game is string.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.