Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
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Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.