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[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
They did not miss in the small print
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
it’s either covid or clever vampires
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.