‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
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its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Birds & Planes.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭