Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
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’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
i love modern commerce
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.