I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms