Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂