Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
You Might Also Like
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph